Archive Page 2

22
Oct
07

Red Sox advance to World Series, Roger Clemens rolls over in his grave

In Sunday night’s game 7 of the ACLS, Boston beat the Cleveland Indians 12-2 to clinch the American League pennant and move on to a World Series matchup with the red-hot Colorado Rockies. Cleveland had led the series three games to one and looked poised to eliminate the Sox, but Boston outscored Cleveland 30-5 and never fell behind in emphatically winning the final three games.

I’m not sure how the Red Sox managed to pull this one off, but I was impressed. Or, more accurately, I would be impressed if all these donkey tranquilizers allowed me to experience emotions. I had predicted that the Indians would win the series because Boston is, well, cursed. Don’t tase me just because I was wrong. Everyone knows hindsight is 50-50.

Hopefully Boston will choke in the World Series, giving me freedom to write funny material about them on my site, which will draw readers, which will make me rich, which will allow me to retire so I never have to sit behind this bench with my gavel and decide the guilt or innocence of strangers again. Seriously, being a judge sucks. I should have listened to my mom and became a dogwalker. Picking up poop isn’t so bad.


^ Me

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22
Oct
07

Atlanta is where quarterbacks go to die

The Falcons’ newest starting quarterback Byron Leftwich was injured Sunday in Atlanta’s 22-16 loss to the Saints, leaving the game in the third quarter with what coach Bobby Petrino said was a high ankle sprain. Leftwich was named the starter after the Falcons struggled to just a 1-5 record under Joey Harrington. Harrington, of course, has started this entire year due to Michael Vick’s well-publicized legal troubles. He came in to the game after Leftwich’s injury on Sunday and completed 12 passes for 128 yards.

Last week, in an article on the inordinately large number of backup quarterbacks getting playing time in the NFL this year, I suggested that the Falcons were “looking past Byron Leftwich to see if Erin Andrews is available.” I’d like to withdraw that suggestion. Apparently there is a curse on quarterbacks in Atlanta, and I don’t want her breaking her jaw or shattering her femur or getting arrested for meth distribution. If that happened, who would I secretly fantasize about when I’m watching ESPN college football? Chris Berman? Don’t make me laugh. He’s way too old for me.


^ Not Chris Berman

22
Oct
07

Tony La Russa will be back to manage St. Louis

Tony La Russa has agreed to return for his 13th year as manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, despite a disastrous 78-84 2007 season following the Cardinals’ surprising World Series championship in 2006. La Russa was speculated to be a candidate to replace Joe Torre with the New York Yankees, although he had denied being interested in the position.

La Russa’s 2006 Cardinals, with 83 wins, had the worst regular season record ever by a championship team. In 2007, the Cardinals finished the season seven games behind the Chicago Cubs and were never really in the race for a postseason berth. Their payroll of over $90,000,000 is 12th in the majors, but top offensive stars such as Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds had off-years, and only two of their pitchers managed to win more than eight games. La Russa managed to start the year off with a bang, getting arrested in March for drunken-driving charge near the team’s spring training complex in Florida.

In short, Tony’s got a lot of work to do if he wants the 2008 team to climb over .500 and not be like the 2007 team, which was a fat, stinking bowl of severed buffalo wang. The 2006 team was mildly better; I’ll call it a somewhat-smelly container of almost expired Chinese noodles. Man, I should write a cookbook.

21
Oct
07

Jimmie Johnson drives faster than all the other people

Sunday, on some racetrack in the southeastern United States, Jimmie Johnson drove faster than about 40 other drivers. Operating the steering wheel and gas pedal in a Chevrolet vehicle, Johnson was able to loop around in a circle many times to complete a predetermined number of laps in less time than a bunch of other people. He was not in front of everyone the whole race, but he was in front at the end, which is the one that counts.

After the race, Johnson explained his victory,

“I was nervous with (Gordon) behind us and I was able to hold him off,” Johnson said in Victory Lane. “And then (Ryan Newman) got in there and I knew he was going to be real tough on a short run, too. … I know he’s hungry. He’s been working real hard to get back to Victory Lane, so I knew he wasn’t going to cut me any slack.”

Apparently the other drivers were trying hard to drive fast, too, but Jimmie Johnson was the fastest.

20
Oct
07

Rockies seek to trademark ‘Rocktober’, ‘Rock’, and the letter ‘R’

“Rocktober,” the phrase being used to describe the Colorado Rockies’ stunning playoff run, has been used in newspapers, car commercials, and department store ads, along with one confirmed case of a die-hard fan loudly yelling the slogan upon ejaculation during coitus.1 Sadly, all that may be coming to an end. The Rockies’ front office has apparently filed papers with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to trademark the catchphrase, giving them sole permission to sell memorabilia bearing that term and cementing their status as assholes.

The article continues,

The filing came two days after Gov. Bill Ritter declared October would be known as “Rocktober” after the Rockies beat the San Diego Padres in 13 innings to win the wild card.

Hopefully the governor didn’t just change the name of October for this year, but for every October in the future. Two hundred years from now, nobody will know what baseball is and dinosaurs will once again rule the world2, but the tenth month of the year will still be known as “Rocktober.” Also, humans will probably be extinct. Who could have predicted that cell phones cause brain cancer?

The Rockies need to lighten up. This is like Paris Hilton trademarking “That’s Hot,” or Lou Holtz patenting the letter “S”.

Paris Hilton
^ Ha, you looked at this picture. You now have herpes.

1 No, it wasn’t me. I yell ‘Shazam!’ and then I flex all my muscles at the same time, creating a black hole of awesomeness. Seriously, though, next time you have sex, scream out “ROCK-TOBER!” Then you can pay her.
2 I think that’s in the Bible somewhere, right before Frodo and Sam sneak into Mount Doom.

19
Oct
07

Unranked Rutgers beats #2 USF…(yawn), when’s Letterman?

During most college football years, an unranked team beating the second-placed team seven weeks into the season would be a tremendous upset. Thursday night in New Jersey, Rutgers beat the #2 South Florida Bulls 30-27, but given the course of the season so far, it’s hard to be shocked by any game at this point. I’d say that my reaction to the Scarlet Knights’ win was the same as Jessica Alba’s reaction when she first saw me naked: impressed, but not surprised.

While the Scarlet Knights did use a little bit of trickery (a fake field goal and a fake punt, both successful) to walk away with the win, they fielded a team that was clearly as talented as the acclaimed South Florida roster. However, their two earlier losses in the year, to a talented Cincinnati team and a decent Maryland club, had relegated them to the ranks of the, uh, unranked.

I must say that I admire Jim Leavitt’s South Florida team and their accomplishments so far this year, and they were still partially an underdog in my mind despite the hype and #2 ranking. Watching their team play leaves me wondering how they managed to recruit all those quality Florida athletes over traditional football powerhouses Miami, Florida, and Florida State. Did they hire the recruiter from Colorado?

In conclusion, here’s my girlfriend and frequent sexual partner, Jessica Alba.

Jessica Alba

19
Oct
07

So, No Mo’ Joe – Fo’ Sho’

It’s official: Joe Torre will not be the manager of the New York Yankees for the 2008 season. Torre has reportedly turned down a one-year, $5 million contract extension from the Yankees (motto: “We Spent $195 Million And All We Got Was This AL Wild Card”), which would have been a $2.5 million pay cut from his 2007 salary. The offer came after the Yankees failed to make it past the first round of the postseason for the third straight year. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner had said before the ALDS series with the Indians that if New York didn’t advance, Torre would lose his job. Cleveland won the series in four games.

According to ESPN,

New York’s offer included $3 million in bonuses if the Yankees reached next year’s World Series and an $8 million option for 2009 that would have become guaranteed if New York won the AL pennant…”Under this offer, he would continue to be the highest-paid manager in major league baseball,” team president Randy Levine said. “We thought that we need to go to a performance-based model, having nothing to do with Joe Torre’s character, integrity or ability. We just think it’s important to motivate people.”

Like most people, I actively dislike the Yankees, but I’ve only heard good things about Joe Torre as a person and manager. His players love him, he made the playoffs every year that he managed the Yankees, and he just happened to win four World Championships in the process. In appreciation, the Yankees made him a shitty, half-assed offer that was an insult to his historical accomplishments, and I don’t blame him for rejecting it. I think they just wanted to be able to tell Yankees fans, “Hey, we made him an offer and he turned it down. That’s his fault.”

For god’s sake, if you don’t want someone back, just fire them. I’ve fired plenty of people; it’s actually kind of fun. They have to stand there sobbing while you yell at them and tell them how much they suck at their job and life, then you kick them out of your office and steeple your fingers under your chin while laughing maniacally. Piece of cake.