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20% of Americans are dumb. I am the other 80%.

sports fan

A recently-released AP poll reports that 1 in 5 sports fans do things “in an attempt to bring good luck to their favorite team or avoid jinxing them.” One disturbing anecdote given is from nurse Heather Pate of Eldridge, Alabama, who claims that she caused her beloved Auburn Tiger football team to lose by unwittingly using a pink toothbrush. Apparently this genius refuses to own anything red, the color of archrival Alabama, for fear of jinxing her Tigers. After someone brought her the pink toothbrush while she was in the hospital delivering twins, Auburn dropped two straight games. “It was all because of that red toothbrush,” she claims.

Bzzt, wrong answer. Thanks for playing.

The accounts continue,

Lisa Rawlinson, 40, a pharmaceutical sales manager from Huntington, W.Va., won’t watch crucial Cleveland Indians games on television. She didn’t watch Sunday night but her Indians somehow lost the decisive game anyway against the Red Sox, allowing Boston to creep into the World Series, which starts Wednesday.

First of all, Lisa, what’s the point of being a fan if you can’t watch your team’s big games? That’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet and only getting a salad and some of those shitty beets. Maybe it’s not like that at all. It’s more like getting wasted playing Edward Fortyhands and taking a corn shit on your kitchen floor and making your roommate clean it up that time when I was nineteen. Or something.

Lisa is 40 years old. After consulting my abacus, I’ve concluded that means she’s older than seven, which is the maximum allowable age for believing that your actions can possibly affect the outcome of a sports contest many miles away between large men you’ve never met and who wouldn’t like you anyway.

So, dear readers, since you are reading this, you’re apparently smart enough to operate a keyboard and a mouse and code a buffer overflow that exploits a memory leak to insert a trojan and install a DDoS botnet. Well, maybe not that last part. But I am. That’s my point. That’s why I’m hanging out with Kim Kardashian in the Grand Caymans and you’re reading this from your mom’s attic.*

Kim Kardashian Birthday
^ I respect her for her talents. Her two big, bouncy, beautiful talents. Also she has a sex tape.

*Hi, Ron. Put some pants on, man.


Jimmie Johnson drives faster than all the other people

Sunday, on some racetrack in the southeastern United States, Jimmie Johnson drove faster than about 40 other drivers. Operating the steering wheel and gas pedal in a Chevrolet vehicle, Johnson was able to loop around in a circle many times to complete a predetermined number of laps in less time than a bunch of other people. He was not in front of everyone the whole race, but he was in front at the end, which is the one that counts.

After the race, Johnson explained his victory,

“I was nervous with (Gordon) behind us and I was able to hold him off,” Johnson said in Victory Lane. “And then (Ryan Newman) got in there and I knew he was going to be real tough on a short run, too. … I know he’s hungry. He’s been working real hard to get back to Victory Lane, so I knew he wasn’t going to cut me any slack.”

Apparently the other drivers were trying hard to drive fast, too, but Jimmie Johnson was the fastest.


The WNBA is expanding. No, seriously.

The WBNA has announced that they have awarded a franchise to Atlanta, which will begin play in 2008. Atlanta real estate mogul Ron Terwilliger will be the owner of the new team, for reasons known only to him. In 2006, Terwilliger and a group of investors emerged as a candidate to buy the Atlanta Braves from Time Warner, but were outbid by Liberty Media Corp. Don’t worry, Ron, a WNBA franchise is almost as good.1

There’s no doubt that, outside their small group of devoted fans, the WNBA has long been relegated to a punchline in America. I won’t twist the knife in their side any further. They’ve kept the league going for eleven years now, which is ten years longer than Vince McMahon’s ill-advised, but awesome, XFL.

My point, of course, is to resurrect the XFL. Remember those cheerleaders?

They could form the new XFL in a Pros vs. Joes format, where people who think they have talent could play against washed-up NFL players like Chris Weinke and Ricky Williams. Everyone would take jello shots at halftime, and the game would be played barefoot on a trampoline-like surface.

Hell, I’d watch that, mainly because the injury rate would be astronomical. However, I also watched Rock of Love, so my personal television standards aren’t really very high.

1 Almost as good as a Subway franchise


Cameltoe? Really? You guys are idiots.

We have moved! Check out this article and much more at

Warning: this post has nothing to do with sports. But I guess that’s never stopped me before.

Last week I wrote a short article about the Marion Jones scandal, in which I suggested that female track & field athletes should be able to take steroids and compete with the males in their sport. Ha ha, very funny, let’s move on, right? At the bottom of the article, I used the word “cameltoe” because, let’s be honest, it’s a pretty funny word.

Imagine my surprise when I innocently checked my website statistics yesterday. WordPress has a neat little feature that tells me what people were searching for when they found my site.


After writing more than 30 articles, one tiny (albeit hilarious) word from an entry written over a week ago is responsible for about 50% of my search engine traffic. I’m glad to have the visitors to my site, but it doesn’t answer the main, disturbing question: who searches for camel toe?

Was yesterday a fluke? Here’s an excerpt from the day before:


I won’t even ask why all these people are looking for Mimi from “The Drew Carey Show”. Nor can I comment on these gems without a full-body shudder:



Are all my readers thirteen-year-old boys? Weird old lesbians? Let me know, and I’ll tailor my writing as such. Should I be writing more articles on the grossness of the human body? Would you like an exposé on moose knuckles? VPL? Beef curtains? Melvin? Panty bacon / Ninja foot / Taco jeans? Teabagging? How about a nice long essay on the Cincinnati Bowtie or an instructional video regarding the donkey punch?

Well, I won’t. Sickos. This is a family establishment. Besides, I use ten year old Chinese sweatshop workers to write most of these posts for me1, and they’re not familiar with all that lingo.

After long and hard deliberation, I’ve decided to show you some world-class camel toe. You’re welcome. (May not be safe for work, but if you’re reading this I doubt you have a great job anyway. Get out of the manager’s office and go back to the deep fryer.)

^ Don’t click on this

1 It’s true! Help us!


Holyfield is old, hits like a girl

Evander Holyfield’s bid to become the second-oldest heavyweight champion ever fell short Saturday in Moscow, as the 45-year-old was defeated in a unanimous decision by Russia’s Sultan Ibragimov. It would have been the fifth heavyweight title for Evander, whose personal motto is “God Helps Me Beat People Up“. Ibragimov kept his WBO title and will seek to “unify a fractured division,” which consists of four different title holders for the WBO (Ibragimov), IBF (Wladimir Klitschko), WBA (Ruslan Chagaev), and WBC (Samuel Peter).

In 1994 45-year-old George Foreman became the oldest heavyweight champion of all time by knocking out Michael “No, I’m Not That Fat Guy Who Made Bowling for Columbine” Moorer for the WBF and IBA titles, and no doubt Holyfield used Foreman’s fight as inspiration. However, after Evander’s latest fight, it’s clear what needs to be done: we need a senior’s boxing division. The Professional Golfers’ Association has the Senior PGA tour to bring some happiness to old golfers before they die, and boxing should follow in their footsteps. There could be a 45- to 59-year-old division, a 60- to 74-year-old division, and a Jack LaLanne division.

To make things more interesting, additional rules would be instituted for the various divisions. For example, senior fighters would be docked one point for soiling themselves or complaining about Congress, and additional points could be earned for properly using a modern cell phone. Betting would be encouraged, because senility would prevent boxers from possessing the intellectual capacity to throw the fight. Instead of a prize purse, the winner would receive a once-a-week session with several children who would be forced to listen to their terrible, terrible stories. The loser of the fight would of course be killed.


Randy Couture leaves UFC, takes up knitting

Mixed martial arts badass and current heavyweight champion Randy Couture announced his retirement yesterday, leaving the UFC heavyweight title up for grabs. reports on his resignation letter:

“I appreciate this opportunity the sport of MMA and the UFC has given me,” Couture said in the letter. “However, I’m tired of swimming upstream at this stage with the management of the UFC. It only makes sense at this point in my career to fight Fedor Emelianenko, and since he’s now signed with another organization, I feel like it’s time to resign and focus on my other endeavours.”

Couture gave no more details on what he was going to do with his life, but hopefully it still includes beating the shit out of people. I think he could do well as a hired mercenary for people like me who would get their ass kicked by Napoleon Dynamite. He could bridge that awkward gap between tearfully cursing at your enemy and hiring a professional to assassinate them. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had someone killed and then looked back on it and said “You know, he probably just deserved a good ass-kicking.”

At any rate, I was very impressed by his letter, mainly because I assumed that anyone who had been in an MMA ring for more than two or three rounds would be functionally illiterate. Hell, I got hit in the head with a kickball once in the third grade and I still can’t operate a button fly. I always figured these fighters were basically zombie humans without cognitive reasoning or bowel control, much like Lou Holtz.