Archive for the 'NFL' Category


NFL releases new draft rules. Might be less boring and/or require less alcohol to watch.

On Tuesday the NFL released changes to streamline Draft Day procedure, thanks in part to the first round of the 2007 draft lasting a record 6 hours and 8 minutes.

Here’s an overview of the changes:

  • Starting time of the draft was moved to 3 p.m. EDT from noon.
  • Teams will have 10 minutes in the first round and 7 minutes in the second round to make their choices, down from 15 and 10 minutes.
  • Saturday, the first day of the draft, will only feature rounds 1 and 2.
  • The time between picks will stay at five minutes for rounds 3-7, which will take place on Sunday. That session will start at 10 a.m. instead of 11.
  • If any team selects an athlete who didn’t have good numbers in college just because they performed well in the NFL combine, that team’s president gets punched in the nuts and the franchise loses their next three picks.

I’m glad the NFL realized that the draft was becoming tedious and made the appropriate changes, but I’d rather watch “The Hills” than sit and listen to sports commentators rehash the same information and say the same things for six hours.

Well, maybe not. I’ve actually rigged my television so that if someone changes the channel to MTV, a giant construction boot shoots out and kicks them in the face. It helps me weed out girls I bring to my apartment, but my niece wasn’t too happy. Serves her right for being in the third grade.

Ah, third grade. The best four years of my life…


Colts win, an NFL starting quarterback gets hurt, sun rises and sets

The Colts breezed by the Jacksonville Jaguars 29-7 Monday night in a showdown of the AFC South’s two best teams, further separating Indianapolis from the rest of the non-Patriots league and keeping their perfect season intact. The Colts are now 6-0; Jacksonville dropped to 4-2 with the loss.

Last year, the Jaguars handed the eventual Super Bowl champions an embarrasing 44-17 loss in a game which the Colts had obviously not forgotten. Joseph Addai and Kenton Keith combined for 141 yards rushing, and Peyton added a rushing touchdown of his own, as Indy improved to 3-0 in the division and continued to build hype for their showdown with Tom Brady and his also-undefeated New England Patriots on November 4th.

Jacksonville’s starting quarterback David Garrard was knocked out of the game in the second quarter with a sprained left ankle and will miss at least a few weeks. Following this year’s preseason, coach Jack Del Rio surprisingly named Garrard the starter over Byron Leftwich, and Leftwich was released just days before the season began. Byron was picked up by the Atlanta Falcons and named their third-string quarterback, then second-string, then first-string; he was injured Sunday in his first start with Atlanta, a game the Falcons lost.

Quinn Gray came in to replace the injured Garrard for Jacksonville, and promptly went 9-24 with no touchdowns and two interceptions.

I think it’s high time the NFL did something about the quarterback situation. Defensive players are getting bigger and stronger, and quarterbacks can’t keep up, physically. They are getting injured at an alarming rate this year, a trend that shows no signs of reversing. At least two quarterbacks that weren’t even playing at the beginning of the season, Tim Rattay and Vinnie Testaverde, are now starters.

Watching an NFL game now is like scattering some Pringles chips on your floor and letting eleven preschoolers run around the room. (In this metaphor, the Pringles chips are the quarterback, the preschoolers are the defensive unit, and the creepy drunk babysitter passed out on the couch is David Hasselhoff.)


Atlanta is where quarterbacks go to die

The Falcons’ newest starting quarterback Byron Leftwich was injured Sunday in Atlanta’s 22-16 loss to the Saints, leaving the game in the third quarter with what coach Bobby Petrino said was a high ankle sprain. Leftwich was named the starter after the Falcons struggled to just a 1-5 record under Joey Harrington. Harrington, of course, has started this entire year due to Michael Vick’s well-publicized legal troubles. He came in to the game after Leftwich’s injury on Sunday and completed 12 passes for 128 yards.

Last week, in an article on the inordinately large number of backup quarterbacks getting playing time in the NFL this year, I suggested that the Falcons were “looking past Byron Leftwich to see if Erin Andrews is available.” I’d like to withdraw that suggestion. Apparently there is a curse on quarterbacks in Atlanta, and I don’t want her breaking her jaw or shattering her femur or getting arrested for meth distribution. If that happened, who would I secretly fantasize about when I’m watching ESPN college football? Chris Berman? Don’t make me laugh. He’s way too old for me.

^ Not Chris Berman


Vick owes more money to more people. Surprised?

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The AP reported Tuesday that Wachovia Bank is suing Michael Vick for $940,000 in loans that have been defaulted on since Vick’s federal indictment. The money was intended to “set up a wine shop and restaurant”, and the bank claims that Vick and his business partners have failed to make the monthly payments of principal and interest.

Honestly, fellas, good luck with that. Get in line. Giving your money back is probably the last damn thing Vick is worried about at this point. I’m a Certified Public Accountant1, and from a review of his assets and liabilities it looks like Vick is almost certainly going to have to file for bankruptcy, leaving his creditors with nothing except a handful of doo rags and an empty bong.2

Just watch, one day all his shit is going to end up on Craigslist; keep an eye out for it. The ad will read “Federal Conviction & Bankruptcy = Everything must GO!!!!11!1! Great deals on furniture, marijuana, and silverware! Get a used cheese grater for 50 cents – this will keep my cornhole innocent and pure for one more day!”

Just kidding, children. Remember, prison rape jokes are overused and usually not funny. Unicycles and prairie dogs are funny, but I couldn’t figure out how to work them into this article.

1 It’s true, the certificate I bought online says so.
2 Is there anything in the world sadder than an empty bong? Maybe an abandoned crippled kitten stuck in the mud during a hurricane, but even that’s close.


Plans B through F. B is for backup. F is for failure.

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A surprising number of NFL teams this year have had to give considerable playing time to their second- and third-string quarterbacks, due to their starters’ injuries, ineffectiveness, or federal indictments1. reports that through the first six weeks of the season, 17 of the 32 teams have given more than just “mop-up duty”2 to their reserve QB’s. Aside from a few clubs who’ve managed to scrape out some wins, many of these troubled teams are tanking like it’s Tiananmen Square. The Dolphins, Rams, Jets, and Falcons are a combined 2-22, although, to be fair, these teams would probably be about 5-19 if they had Johnny Unitas and Captain America3.

Of course there have been some devastating injuries, but many of these situations were caused by just plain incompetence on the part of the head signal-caller. Rex Grossman in Chicago. Joey Harrington in Atlanta. Chad Pennington with the Jets. Alex Smith in San Francisco.

Here’s the obvious question: when will things get so bad that a team phones up Ryan Leaf? The Panthers have already pulled Testaverde from his bingo game, and the Cardinals resorted to Tim Rattay. It’s rumored that the Jets are going to bring back Joe Namath for a short stint, and the Falcons are looking past Byron Leftwich to see if Erin Andrews4 is available.

1 This refers to Michael Vick, in case I’m not being clear. Vick, from the Falcons. Michael Vick is the one with the federal indictment.
2 Mopping up doody is actually what I did at my first job. Ah, Taco Bell
3 Captain America was briefly the starter for the 49ers in the mid-70’s, but dropped out of professional sports after he was caught with the Green Lantern in a Port-A-Potty.
4 Erin = reason #14,000 that I love ESPN. Here’s reason #1 that I hate FOX.


Another crack in the Juice’s glass

More bad news for O.J. Simpson: two co-defendants in his Las Vegas armed robbery case have agreed to “plead guilty to reduced charges and testify against the former football star.”

Even though I consider myself a humor columnist (despite my psychiatrist’s pleas), there’s nothing more I can say about this guy. His whole sordid life has been scrutinized in endless detail, from the initial murder charges, to losing his civil lawsuit, to his tactless “If I Did It” manuscript, to his sex tape1, to his recent murder threats against a handyman, to this recent robbery fiasco in Las Vegas.

There, I just basically wrote his biography. I should get a four-million dollar advance for those words I just wrote. From what I hear, O.J. also used to play football or something, but now he’s dedicated his life to being good old-fashioned crazy.

I actually wrote a computer program to analyze every word ever written or said about him, in an attempt to come up with something new to say. After five hours of beeping and whirring2, it gave me the result I’d been expecting: there is nothing left to say about Orenthal James Simpson that hasn’t already been said on the interweb or in a late night TV host’s monologue. So I’m going to make a promise to you, dear readers. I will never write about O.J. again. Ever. I’m tired of him.

If he’s elected president and is impeached for sexual advances upon farm animals, you won’t hear it from me. If he returns to the NFL and beats out Brett Favre for Green Bay’s starting quarterback, you won’t hear it from me. If he turns out to be a rabid anti-Scientologist and subsequently kidnaps Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, you DEFINITELY won’t hear it from me because I’m going to be right beside him, helping to apply the duct tape.

Now, to cheer me up, here’s Katie Holmes when she used to be hot, before she traded bodies with Ricki Lake and brains with Ozzy Osbourne.

1 I’m going to assume that you haven’t seen his sex tape, because you’re reading these words, and therefore must still possess your eyesight.
2 “Beeping and Whirring” would be a good name for a jazz band, or a Silicon Valley-based lesbian porno.


The Patriots are who we thought they were

The New England Patriots recorded an impressive 48-27 win over the previously unbeaten Cowboys Sunday, proving that Tom Brady & Company* are who we thought they were. Brady passed for 388 yards and five touchdowns while New England’s defense held Terrell Owens mostly in check, giving the Patriots their sixth straight blowout win to start the season.

I think we can all agree that matching up the current Patriots team against anyone but Indianapolis is pretty useless. It’s like telling Rocky to sit out and let Adrian fight Mr. T, or giving Tyler Perry his own sitcom**: it’s just not a good idea.

However, I will admit that watching T.O.’s team lose was as much fun as I’ve had since I motorboated that chick from “Heroes.”

Ali Larter

Yep, that one. Although, tragically, she tried to return the favor by motorboating me without taking into account my rock-hard pectoral muscles, necessitating an emergency dental appointment and twelve stitches.

Later Sunday, in a surprise move, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell decreed that at the end of the season the AFC Champion Colts or Pats will play the entire NFC Pro Bowl team in Super Bowl XLII. Additionally, the NFC lineup will be spotted 13 points and allowed to play while riding snowmobiles.

Speaking of snowmobiles and football, here’s more Ali Larter:

Ali Larter

*Not a real company
**Seriously, have you ever seen that show?