Archive for the 'MLB' Category


“Believe it! Indians in the World Series.” Note: the Indians are not in the World Series

Due to Sunday’s late-night conclusion of the ALCS Game 7 between the Red Sox and the Indians, newspapers everywhere had to prepare two separate versions of their story: one to print if the Indians won the game, and another to distribute if the Red Sox came out ahead. John Horton, a reporter for Cleveland’s “Plain Dealer”, released his “what-if” story, which would have been published had the Indians been able to win the game and secure a berth to the World Series.

The article was entitled “Believe it! Indians in the World Series.” Here’s an excerpt:

Racing heart?

Shortness of breath?

Feeling dizzy and discombobulated?

All symptoms of altitude sickness, a definite side-effect of the Tribe’s rise-from-the-depths-of-despair victory over the Boston Red Sox late Sunday to claim the American League pennant.

The Indians scored ? in the ? inning and scratched out a ?-? win after struggling all night.

Their prize? A lofty trip to the World Series.

The question marks obviously would have been filled in with relevant details, as Horton had only five minutes after the end of the game to add final details to the appropriate article and finish the story.

Reading this is like watching a little crippled kid climbing up the ladder of a slide in the park. You know it’s all for naught, because as soon as he gets to the top his tiny arms will give out and he’ll just fall over the side into the mulch, but you’ve got to give him points for trying.

The Cleveland Indians haven’t won a World Series since 1948, when John Wilkes Booth was president and the world was still black-and-white. If you put five Indians fans into a giant boiling pot of water with five Cubs fans1 and stirred them around, you would probably create a black hole of ineptitude which would implode and spit out the cast of “Two and a Half Men.”

I mean, that show had Denise Richards in it (before Charlie Sheen threatened to kill her), and I still wouldn’t watch it. That’s how bad it was. And my TV standards are pretty low; sometimes I even watch FOX. Just “House” and “Family Guy”, though. Give me some credit.

Denise Richards

1 If you do this, please add sugar. Because of the results of this year’s ALCS, Indians fans are very bitter.


Vegas says the Red Sox will win the World Series

The Associated Press reported yesterday that early betting for the 2007 World Series is heavily in favor of Boston, despite Colorado’s ridiculous red-hot streak and the Sox’s history of choking in the Series.

Las Vegas oddsmakers put the Red Sox at minus-$2, meaning every $2 bet will win $1 if Boston wins. Colorado is plus $1.70, meaning every $1 wins $1.70 if the Rockies take the series.

These numbers prove where the real money is made in this series: being a bookmaker. If my math is correct, and it always is because I invented math, the bookies are hoping for $1.80 of Boston bets for each $1.00 of Colorado bets. I’ll explain how it works. Let’s assume $100,000 will be bet on Colorado, which means the bookies are looking for $180,000 to be bet on the Red Sox. In this case, the total pre-Series cash inflow for the bookies would be $280,000.

If Boston won, the bookies would pay out $270,000 ($180,000 in original bets plus $1 winnings for each $2 bet) to the Red Sox bettors, leaving the oddsmakers with $10,000 profit. (The Rockies bettors would of course get nothing.) If Colorado won, the bookies would pay out $270,000 to the Rockies bettors ($100,000 in original bets plus $1.70 winnings for each $1 bet), leaving the bookies, once again, with a profit of $10,000.

That’s a little math lesson for the kiddies and Pete Rose: the bookies always win. That’s why they’re always the ones breaking peoples kneecaps and cutting off fingers. Well, I do that too, but for entirely unrelated reasons.


Indians pitcher Paul Byrd spent $25,000 on HGH

Cleveland Indians pitcher Paul Byrd has acknowledged that he purchased up to $25,000 worth of Human Growth Hormone (HGH) from 2002-05, but insists that he ingested the substance under doctor’s orders for a pituitary gland condition, and that he has done nothing wrong.

Just hours before game 7 of the ACLS, which the Indians subsequently lost, Byrd stated,

“I have nothing to hide,” Byrd said about two hours before his team’s biggest game against the Boston Red Sox. “Everything has been done out in the open. I have a reputation. I speak to kids, I speak to churches. I do not want the fans of Cleveland or honest, caring people to think that I cheated.

“Because I didn’t.”

According to the Associated Press article, Byrd is “known for his old-school windup and savvy on the mound,” and he “relies on location and off-speed pitches to get outs.”

If I were Paul Byrd, I would be embarrassed right now. This guy is just over six feet tall, he weighs 190 pounds, and his fastball rarely gets above 90 miles-per-hour. If you’re going to take performance-enhancing drugs, don’t you think they should, um, enhance your performance? He’s 36 years old, so maybe he’s got a disease that makes him age super-quickly, which requires him to take HGH so he doesn’t look like Ted Kennedy.

Because, as my uncle always says, “One Ted Kennedy is one Ted Kennedy too many.” For some reason my uncle usually says this right before he vomits on the recliner and passes out with his hand down his pants, but I don’t think that should affect the validity of his opinions.

Of course, I’m never sure when to trust my uncle, because he also says I have Attention Deficit oh my God I have the itchiest asshole EVER today.


Red Sox advance to World Series, Roger Clemens rolls over in his grave

In Sunday night’s game 7 of the ACLS, Boston beat the Cleveland Indians 12-2 to clinch the American League pennant and move on to a World Series matchup with the red-hot Colorado Rockies. Cleveland had led the series three games to one and looked poised to eliminate the Sox, but Boston outscored Cleveland 30-5 and never fell behind in emphatically winning the final three games.

I’m not sure how the Red Sox managed to pull this one off, but I was impressed. Or, more accurately, I would be impressed if all these donkey tranquilizers allowed me to experience emotions. I had predicted that the Indians would win the series because Boston is, well, cursed. Don’t tase me just because I was wrong. Everyone knows hindsight is 50-50.

Hopefully Boston will choke in the World Series, giving me freedom to write funny material about them on my site, which will draw readers, which will make me rich, which will allow me to retire so I never have to sit behind this bench with my gavel and decide the guilt or innocence of strangers again. Seriously, being a judge sucks. I should have listened to my mom and became a dogwalker. Picking up poop isn’t so bad.

^ Me


Tony La Russa will be back to manage St. Louis

Tony La Russa has agreed to return for his 13th year as manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, despite a disastrous 78-84 2007 season following the Cardinals’ surprising World Series championship in 2006. La Russa was speculated to be a candidate to replace Joe Torre with the New York Yankees, although he had denied being interested in the position.

La Russa’s 2006 Cardinals, with 83 wins, had the worst regular season record ever by a championship team. In 2007, the Cardinals finished the season seven games behind the Chicago Cubs and were never really in the race for a postseason berth. Their payroll of over $90,000,000 is 12th in the majors, but top offensive stars such as Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds had off-years, and only two of their pitchers managed to win more than eight games. La Russa managed to start the year off with a bang, getting arrested in March for drunken-driving charge near the team’s spring training complex in Florida.

In short, Tony’s got a lot of work to do if he wants the 2008 team to climb over .500 and not be like the 2007 team, which was a fat, stinking bowl of severed buffalo wang. The 2006 team was mildly better; I’ll call it a somewhat-smelly container of almost expired Chinese noodles. Man, I should write a cookbook.


Rockies seek to trademark ‘Rocktober’, ‘Rock’, and the letter ‘R’

“Rocktober,” the phrase being used to describe the Colorado Rockies’ stunning playoff run, has been used in newspapers, car commercials, and department store ads, along with one confirmed case of a die-hard fan loudly yelling the slogan upon ejaculation during coitus.1 Sadly, all that may be coming to an end. The Rockies’ front office has apparently filed papers with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to trademark the catchphrase, giving them sole permission to sell memorabilia bearing that term and cementing their status as assholes.

The article continues,

The filing came two days after Gov. Bill Ritter declared October would be known as “Rocktober” after the Rockies beat the San Diego Padres in 13 innings to win the wild card.

Hopefully the governor didn’t just change the name of October for this year, but for every October in the future. Two hundred years from now, nobody will know what baseball is and dinosaurs will once again rule the world2, but the tenth month of the year will still be known as “Rocktober.” Also, humans will probably be extinct. Who could have predicted that cell phones cause brain cancer?

The Rockies need to lighten up. This is like Paris Hilton trademarking “That’s Hot,” or Lou Holtz patenting the letter “S”.

Paris Hilton
^ Ha, you looked at this picture. You now have herpes.

1 No, it wasn’t me. I yell ‘Shazam!’ and then I flex all my muscles at the same time, creating a black hole of awesomeness. Seriously, though, next time you have sex, scream out “ROCK-TOBER!” Then you can pay her.
2 I think that’s in the Bible somewhere, right before Frodo and Sam sneak into Mount Doom.


So, No Mo’ Joe – Fo’ Sho’

It’s official: Joe Torre will not be the manager of the New York Yankees for the 2008 season. Torre has reportedly turned down a one-year, $5 million contract extension from the Yankees (motto: “We Spent $195 Million And All We Got Was This AL Wild Card”), which would have been a $2.5 million pay cut from his 2007 salary. The offer came after the Yankees failed to make it past the first round of the postseason for the third straight year. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner had said before the ALDS series with the Indians that if New York didn’t advance, Torre would lose his job. Cleveland won the series in four games.

According to ESPN,

New York’s offer included $3 million in bonuses if the Yankees reached next year’s World Series and an $8 million option for 2009 that would have become guaranteed if New York won the AL pennant…”Under this offer, he would continue to be the highest-paid manager in major league baseball,” team president Randy Levine said. “We thought that we need to go to a performance-based model, having nothing to do with Joe Torre’s character, integrity or ability. We just think it’s important to motivate people.”

Like most people, I actively dislike the Yankees, but I’ve only heard good things about Joe Torre as a person and manager. His players love him, he made the playoffs every year that he managed the Yankees, and he just happened to win four World Championships in the process. In appreciation, the Yankees made him a shitty, half-assed offer that was an insult to his historical accomplishments, and I don’t blame him for rejecting it. I think they just wanted to be able to tell Yankees fans, “Hey, we made him an offer and he turned it down. That’s his fault.”

For god’s sake, if you don’t want someone back, just fire them. I’ve fired plenty of people; it’s actually kind of fun. They have to stand there sobbing while you yell at them and tell them how much they suck at their job and life, then you kick them out of your office and steeple your fingers under your chin while laughing maniacally. Piece of cake.