“Believe it! Indians in the World Series.” Note: the Indians are not in the World Series

Due to Sunday’s late-night conclusion of the ALCS Game 7 between the Red Sox and the Indians, newspapers everywhere had to prepare two separate versions of their story: one to print if the Indians won the game, and another to distribute if the Red Sox came out ahead. John Horton, a reporter for Cleveland’s “Plain Dealer”, released his “what-if” story, which would have been published had the Indians been able to win the game and secure a berth to the World Series.

The article was entitled “Believe it! Indians in the World Series.” Here’s an excerpt:

Racing heart?

Shortness of breath?

Feeling dizzy and discombobulated?

All symptoms of altitude sickness, a definite side-effect of the Tribe’s rise-from-the-depths-of-despair victory over the Boston Red Sox late Sunday to claim the American League pennant.

The Indians scored ? in the ? inning and scratched out a ?-? win after struggling all night.

Their prize? A lofty trip to the World Series.

The question marks obviously would have been filled in with relevant details, as Horton had only five minutes after the end of the game to add final details to the appropriate article and finish the story.

Reading this is like watching a little crippled kid climbing up the ladder of a slide in the park. You know it’s all for naught, because as soon as he gets to the top his tiny arms will give out and he’ll just fall over the side into the mulch, but you’ve got to give him points for trying.

The Cleveland Indians haven’t won a World Series since 1948, when John Wilkes Booth was president and the world was still black-and-white. If you put five Indians fans into a giant boiling pot of water with five Cubs fans1 and stirred them around, you would probably create a black hole of ineptitude which would implode and spit out the cast of “Two and a Half Men.”

I mean, that show had Denise Richards in it (before Charlie Sheen threatened to kill her), and I still wouldn’t watch it. That’s how bad it was. And my TV standards are pretty low; sometimes I even watch FOX. Just “House” and “Family Guy”, though. Give me some credit.

Denise Richards

1 If you do this, please add sugar. Because of the results of this year’s ALCS, Indians fans are very bitter.


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