20% of Americans are dumb. I am the other 80%.

sports fan

A recently-released AP poll reports that 1 in 5 sports fans do things “in an attempt to bring good luck to their favorite team or avoid jinxing them.” One disturbing anecdote given is from nurse Heather Pate of Eldridge, Alabama, who claims that she caused her beloved Auburn Tiger football team to lose by unwittingly using a pink toothbrush. Apparently this genius refuses to own anything red, the color of archrival Alabama, for fear of jinxing her Tigers. After someone brought her the pink toothbrush while she was in the hospital delivering twins, Auburn dropped two straight games. “It was all because of that red toothbrush,” she claims.

Bzzt, wrong answer. Thanks for playing.

The accounts continue,

Lisa Rawlinson, 40, a pharmaceutical sales manager from Huntington, W.Va., won’t watch crucial Cleveland Indians games on television. She didn’t watch Sunday night but her Indians somehow lost the decisive game anyway against the Red Sox, allowing Boston to creep into the World Series, which starts Wednesday.

First of all, Lisa, what’s the point of being a fan if you can’t watch your team’s big games? That’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet and only getting a salad and some of those shitty beets. Maybe it’s not like that at all. It’s more like getting wasted playing Edward Fortyhands and taking a corn shit on your kitchen floor and making your roommate clean it up that time when I was nineteen. Or something.

Lisa is 40 years old. After consulting my abacus, I’ve concluded that means she’s older than seven, which is the maximum allowable age for believing that your actions can possibly affect the outcome of a sports contest many miles away between large men you’ve never met and who wouldn’t like you anyway.

So, dear readers, since you are reading this, you’re apparently smart enough to operate a keyboard and a mouse and code a buffer overflow that exploits a memory leak to insert a trojan and install a DDoS botnet. Well, maybe not that last part. But I am. That’s my point. That’s why I’m hanging out with Kim Kardashian in the Grand Caymans and you’re reading this from your mom’s attic.*

Kim Kardashian Birthday
^ I respect her for her talents. Her two big, bouncy, beautiful talents. Also she has a sex tape.

*Hi, Ron. Put some pants on, man.


9 Responses to “20% of Americans are dumb. I am the other 80%.”

  1. June 18, 2009 at 9:56 am

    sshuUMMM e bukurr jeee ./:TDUUAHH

  2. June 20, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    hola corazon oye esto tu eres lo mas bello que dios a hecho en este mundo daria lo que fuera para conocerte en persona, me imagino que eres mas hermosa en persona

  3. 3 Anonymous
    July 11, 2009 at 7:47 am

    i like to fuck you ; kim !

  4. 4 Lisa
    July 22, 2009 at 11:59 am

    I came across this article “20% of americas are dumb. I am the other 80%”, from 23 Oct. 2007. I love the picture of the sports fan with the cheesehead. We are writing a book titled UnDateable, which is a humorous sartorial about mens fashion and dating and would love to include this photo in the book. Are you the owner of the photo? If not, do you happen to know who the photo belongs to? We would be happy to give you credit in the book in exchange for the use of the photo.


  5. 5 bigdick9"
    November 3, 2009 at 12:42 am

    hooollllllyyyyyy shhhhiiiitttt

  6. November 22, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    shum e bukur je vdes per ty

  7. 7 Marty
    May 3, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Evolution regression of the highest stupidity

  8. 8 vesal kaabi
    May 20, 2010 at 9:23 am

    i’d like to rape you

  9. 9 Anonymous
    June 30, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Stumbled upon this today. I am Heather Pate, if you didn’t look so incredibly stupid and then prove that you are by the way you write I might almost be offended. I don’t really believe that if I use anything red that I am going to jinx Auburn, the story was wrote in fun. I don’t own anything red because don’t want to be assosiated with Alabama at all. Good Luck with the Kim K. thing … you don’t stand a chance.

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