22
Oct
07

Indians pitcher Paul Byrd spent $25,000 on HGH

Cleveland Indians pitcher Paul Byrd has acknowledged that he purchased up to $25,000 worth of Human Growth Hormone (HGH) from 2002-05, but insists that he ingested the substance under doctor’s orders for a pituitary gland condition, and that he has done nothing wrong.

Just hours before game 7 of the ACLS, which the Indians subsequently lost, Byrd stated,

“I have nothing to hide,” Byrd said about two hours before his team’s biggest game against the Boston Red Sox. “Everything has been done out in the open. I have a reputation. I speak to kids, I speak to churches. I do not want the fans of Cleveland or honest, caring people to think that I cheated.

“Because I didn’t.”

According to the Associated Press article, Byrd is “known for his old-school windup and savvy on the mound,” and he “relies on location and off-speed pitches to get outs.”

If I were Paul Byrd, I would be embarrassed right now. This guy is just over six feet tall, he weighs 190 pounds, and his fastball rarely gets above 90 miles-per-hour. If you’re going to take performance-enhancing drugs, don’t you think they should, um, enhance your performance? He’s 36 years old, so maybe he’s got a disease that makes him age super-quickly, which requires him to take HGH so he doesn’t look like Ted Kennedy.

Because, as my uncle always says, “One Ted Kennedy is one Ted Kennedy too many.” For some reason my uncle usually says this right before he vomits on the recliner and passes out with his hand down his pants, but I don’t think that should affect the validity of his opinions.

Of course, I’m never sure when to trust my uncle, because he also says I have Attention Deficit oh my God I have the itchiest asshole EVER today.

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